Diary Entry, 27th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon
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Since i have finally settled down here, at least to a point, i have decided i will keep track of what goes on in my once quiet, now rather... Hectic life. Since wandering Eorzea i have stumbled across quite the little gem, which i now reside in. Camp Bronze Lake.
It all started one day when i was in the Shroud. I... Suppose i just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I was merely taking respite within Buscarron's Druthers, when a fair Hyur lady with long, red hair approached me, offering me a drink. Naturally, i accepted, and got to know the woman. Sastra was her name. A kind, cheerful woman who would, little did i know at the time, prove to be a dear and caring friend. Her friend Mikh'a was also present at the time. Quite a flamboyant fellow, that Miqo'te. I was extended an invitation to meet up at The Golden Bazaar, which of course, i heeded. And i met many others... It was many moons ago. Since then, i have managed to secure a job as security, as a watchwoman of sorts, working for Sastra.
I have met many others since, and people seem to pour through the doors of the fine establishment she owns. Such others as Vijara, a Miqo'te Keeper who works behind the bar along with Sastra herself. She seems quiet, and for good reasons, regarding her past that i'll leave out this entry. There's also a myriad of others... Sasani... Silver.. I could go on..
Mathieux..
My... Significant Other... I think i worded it. Words don't come easily regarding that... Jewel of a man. As polite as he is handsome, we only met mere days ago. I am... Anticipating his return, as i write.. I... Don't know what happens to me when he is present... I seem to lose all composure the moment he greets me. Such is the way with Elezen men and myself. Never quite met one like him, though. Sastra organised a small dinner, though did not attend herself like stated...
That began with a note. Which if i recall.. Said something along the lines of "Meet me at Forgotten Springs. Wear something nice!"
I obliged and... Was treated to a most pleasant meal with the most delicious company. Or perhaps i meant that that the other way... Aha...
Jesting aside, we had a rather pleasant walk to Costa Del Sol, this morn. Watching the sunrise... It was delightful. I vividly remember him falling down and soaking himself through in the water... Amongst other things unsavoury for the paper.
In all, that's how my life stands so far. And the outlook is... More than pleasant.
Til next time
~Bexy Amalaryssia
Diary Entry, 2nd Sun of the 1st Astral Moon
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What... A blasted week i'm having. I've found barely a moment to write of my travels, for much has happened.
Natalan... Twelve curse it... I ventured there to seek the business i had with the Ixal. Had they not attacked me a few weeks prior, i would have left well enough alone. Why must i be a vengeful spirit? I recklessly charged into the stronghold... And yet, no hide nor hair of her could be found. But i know she's been. My sources are correct. What i found in Amdapor validates it. Mathieux.. He was with me at the time, and i've never been more glad. I took an injury. An arrow... It pierced my calf making it.. More than considerably difficult to walk. If it weren't for him i would... Not be writing this, it's safe to say. He patched me up to a point, and i proceeded to travel to Ul'dah, meeting Sastra there, unintentionally although welcomed. She helped me find aid, in the form of a young boy. His skill in healing was... Envious, and i was soon back on my feet the way i'm used to it.
In between most delightful visits from Matt, relaxing at the resort, and working my shifts... I managed to make the time to visit my mother. She... Still hasn't found many of her lost marbles. I do wish she would remember... Though we were never close, she is still my family, though now, i'm fairly certain she isn't the only one left. She mentioned i visited two days prior, although i did not. And referred to my name as Zarya. My sister. Mayhaps she has us confused? If it was not i who visited two days ago, who was it? Possibly she's more ill than i thought. Or perhaps my sister is alive after all this time. I do not wish to cling to false hopes, but i must. I have to know the truth.
I wish this wasn't the end of it. I truly do. But the arrow... It bothers me. Upon clearing my mind with many a glass of brandy, my thoughts took sense. The arrow. It is not of Ixali descent. My only thoughts are that someone could possibly want me dead. Would they stoop so low as to hire help...? I do hope not. In any case, something is terribly familiar about it. Searches today proved nothing. I will rest, for now before taking a final look tomorrow.
These lands are unforgiving... I can see why many faces are unfriendly. Not like those back home. At Bronze Lake. I want Matt... I want my friends... Sastra... Mikh'a and the others. Yet all i can do is choke back bitter tears, and pray the brandy gives me some hope of warmth.
I will return soon. I promise.
~Bexy Amalaryssia
Diary Entry, 9th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon
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And so, I open my eyes to Coerthas once more. Yet this time, for another reason entirely. A far... Better reason. Mathieux. As a Knight of Ishgard, he is stationed here, and i saw it fit to visit and lend my bow. As it happens, some of the Ishgardian families, namely House Fortemps, are not entirely adverse to the presence of... Unbelievers such as myself. Such are called those who do not follow Halone... Although... My views on such a matter are strengthened with every hour that passes. The Fury has protected these people. Watched over them in their many hours of need, and for a great many, She is all they have left to fight for. I am starting to understand the people of this land... Fate has been most cruel to them, and the snow has chilled many a heart.
Mercifully, Mathieux is not one of them. We agreed to meet at the Observatorium. It was... Most difficult meeting him in his homeland. Such... Relationships as ours are not welcomed. Needless to say, we made out way to Dragonhead and... I told him everything. I..
I found her. My sister. Zarya.
I... Recieved a letter some days ago. Sastra gave it to me... Apparently a Miqo'te with a spear, and that... Possibly, perhaps i was being hunted. Little did i know it was her. The letter revealed to me that i was to visit my mother... That she had fallen ill. Yet this puzzled me. It was mere days since i had last seen the woman, and aside from her usual ramblings she seemed to be fine. Of course, Matt escorted me from Bronze Lake to the Shroud, whilst en route to Coerthas for his duties. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking the path alone, especially with such a threat hanging over my head.
Once i took some small steps into the wood, not a minute passed until a force with the fury of Titan slammed into my side, screaming obscenities at me until i threw it off. She... Wanted to kill me. Wanted me to die. Time and time after she came at me with that blasted spear she was wielding, calling me a thief and a traitor to my kind. The bow. It was all she wanted. Not to see me. Not after... Nine years. I... Looked for her. Lost sleep and shed tears for her! And all she wanted was the damned bow! I refused to retaliate. But... It was no use. I had to... I drew my bow and loosed an arrow into her leg, bringing forth more insults as she fled. I chose not to follow. I know this isn't the end of it, though thankfully i escaped relatively unscathed. And so... After tying up some mercenary work amongst a handful of other things, i set my sights on the frozen lands i'm beginning to love.
Amongst... Other things. I.. Confessed it to him during one of our walks. We returned to Thanalan, to the desert we met in thanks to Sastra. All i got in return was a knowing smile. It was all i needed. My heart sings every time i trace my thoughts back to this moment. Not... Unlike the moment some time prior. The... Rosary. A depiction of Halone he handed to me whilst in Camp Dragonhead. A most... Curious, and touching item.. I.. Was touched. It belonged to his mother, to keep him safe whilst fighting in the Crusade. And now he wishes it on me, to keep me safe in these harsh, yet beautiful lands. I will treasure it.
Until anon.
~Bexy Amalaryssia
Diary Entry, 12th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon
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Huurrnng.. What in the Seven Hells happened last night...? My head feels like Titan himself released his fury within my skull. I... Do not recall everything. My clothes are still wet... This puzzles me. All else i remember is Vijara telling me something about becoming a barmaid, and... Donning some most unusual clothing for such a situation. Apparently revealing clothes sell drinks, so she says...
In any case.. Matt is still beside me, so i suppose things can't have been too disastrous. I vaguely remember drinking whisky, and...
Twelve no... I remember somewhat of a confrontation involving Mathieux and Vyncent.. I do hope nothing comes of it.
Speaking of such things. Mathieux returned from Coerthas a couple of days ago. Vijara and i were... Hunting Halitostropers in the Shroud, seeing as.. She was having quite the day... Zinba. He.. Betrayed her in the worst way you could think of, and i had half a mind to let her tear him to pieces. Of course, i didn't.. Though if he ever shows his face again, i might think twice. In any case... During the hunt, Mathieux found me en route to Camp Bronze Lake. I... Am more than glad to have him back in my presence.
Though, the barmaid job has piqued my interests. Mayhaps i can cut out my mercenary work altogether if it happens. Though i do hope i get a better uniform.
In any case, i should get something for this blasted headache. Twelve damned i won't be touching whisky for awhile...
~Bexy Amalaryssia
Diary Entry, 19th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon
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Squeeee!
He said it! Or.. Well, in some fashion he did. I... I am aware i told him such last time we visited the Forgotten Springs, but... This was much different. Very much so. Having received such delighting news that Sastra was taking over the bar, Vijara, Senna, Mikh'a and Mathieux, along with myself, made our way to it. A few fine brandies passed my lips, and.., He grew weary, wishing to retire to our room. I... Wanted to say it, terribly. But not... Only that. I wanted the others to know. I wanted Vijara, who is becoming more and more like a sister to me every day, to know how i felt... I wanted the world to know... My family, to know. My speech took the better of me for the first instance, as i stumbled upon my words. His lips did not help matters much. He... Pulled away and made an attempt at leaving. I had to say something... And... The words slipped from my mouth. I could say naught else. And... Then...
He smiled. In front of my friends... Nay, my family, and he... Seemed happy of the fact. I told him once more that i loved him. He merely replied with a nod, that heartwarming smile of his, and he confirmed to me what i had long since hoped to hear from him.
Nonetheless, i am in high spirits as you can no doubt tell. Even.. Regardless of Vyncent showing his face earlier. Such... Arguments ensued... Mikh'a even quit during the exchange, which was most shocking... Though i will choose to omit the rest of the details. It ended in him signing over the establishment to Sastra. A decision which brought a smile to many a face. Mine included.
Such an eventful night... Vijara and Mikh'a sparred with Aether... Many observed... And thankfully, no one was too injured after the events. I... Do wish i had such skill in Aether. Not long after, many of us returned to -OUR- bar.
And then he came back. Vyncent. He... Must still have eyes in Bronze Lake. I was having an idle conversation in on the upper tier with Mikh'a about Vyncent and his terminal idiocy. I... May have slipped a comment about mistaking Vyncent for a criminal, and mayhaps loosing the odd arrow in his direction. Needless to say.. He knew a comment was made, yet did not know who spoke it. He offered a reward for information...
...Which Vijara promptly accepted. I trusted her. Though my heart was in my throat, my trust was not misplaced. Knowingly or unknowingly, she gave her name in place of my own. It appears that she too, was not fond of the man. He left without much of an incident, me having finally had the chance to say my piece, and with Vijara's pockets lined thick with Gil. All ended well.
Amongst all this... Sheer chaos, i managed to steal away a few days with Mathieux, venturing to Limsa and in turn the Costa. We went shopping, and i purchased some lovely trinkets, jewelry and the like. Much to Matt's delight, i purchased many new garments, along with some gifts he bought for me himself. And he... Well.
Apparently, the man likes his women to wear short skirts.
I am not adverse to this.
~Bexy Amalaryssia
Diary Entry, 28th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon
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So... Mathieux left for Coerthas. I... Should have expected such, really, and still... It always comes to me as somewhat of a shock. I suppose i get lost in the moment when he's around, and time seems to pass much more slowly when he is absent. No matter... We discussed a way to keep in contact whilst he carries out his duties, and so we decided we would write to one another. More than half a Moon... I do hope i'll cope. Hah, i will have to, i suppose. He will be back before i know it.. In my arms, and by my side. Ack... What has become of me? I must desist these endless musings of him if i am ever to think clearly.
In other news... I took on Mikh'a's old lodgings. It is a fair place... Larger than the one i was previously renting. It needs a degree of work, yes, but it is livable at least. It does feel nice to have more permanent ground to put my feet on. I hope to make it far more cozy for Matt's return, it will be most nice to---
Gods, there i go again! It never ceases. Let me think idly for but a moment... Ah yes..
Khuja'to. He returned to us. To Bronze Lake. He seems.. Much better than when he left, at least. Which is a relief. He never did harm to me, and... Spoke to me. At least he was willing to sort the things he did... I only wish such things were possible for me...
My sister... No. Zarya. She is no longer a sibling of mine. She approached Senna and Crow asking for my whereabouts, and thankfully they caught on. Those two are loyal to me in such a regard, and for that, i am truly thankful. Senna led her in the wrong direction, and i am thankful a conflict did not arise. Senna... We become increasingly closer every day, even visiting the Goblet and reminiscing about cycles past. It was... Most pleasant.
In any case.. The beach festival Sastra is planning is to commence soon... Whilst i am not entering in such myself, i am judging the fashion show, having an eye for such things myself. Mayhaps... I will be able to pick up thoughts on some new attires...? Possibly so. In any case, i do look forward to it.
I... Suppose i should continue my duties, finding sleep hard to come by alone. I may as well be doing something useful, no...?
Til next time
~Bexy Amalaryssia
Diary Entry, 7th Sun of the 1st Umbral Moon
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Just... Just one more Sun...
The ink is smudged, beginnings of words blotted out in a watery fashion.
Things are weighing heavily on my mind... And... It is beyond difficult to cope. Alas, i must smile. Frowning never did me much good, and tears little and less. But not everything is truly terrible. Emelia, a pleasant young miqo'te whom i met a few suns prior decided she would cook for C'tawi, Shadow, and myself. She is -truly- talented... I... I do think i will ask her if she may cook for Mathieux and i at some point in the future. He returns tomorrow... I... I think his presence will help more than he could know. We... Are to set out hunting... Some suns after his return. For Zarya... I... I must put her down..
And i know i can. I have to. Crow... He... He tested me in such i way that i had to draw a bow on him. I did not want to... Hells... I truly did not want to. But i fired at him as he approached me with those deadly knives of his, and he backed off. A test, it was... To see if i could draw my bow at someone i hold close. And... I can. I am unsure if such is a truly good thing.. But perhaps i should consult such emotions after Zarya's demise...
She harmed Shadow. My true sister.. One of them, in any case. I will not tolerate her bringing harm to those i love, least of all someone as kind as her. She took a hit to her shoulder, however thankfully, Akyhi was present and saw to the wound. I... I cannot keep dwelling on such a negative topic...
Akyhi. Yes. Such a delightful young girl, however so talented with Aether... I expressed my desires to learn such with her, and the sweet thing that she is, purchased me a book from Limsa. I will study it well... I do so wish to learn the ways of healing, both with and without Aether. Yet... I do worry for the girl. I was merely having a moment to myself... Trying to maintain some semblance of composure when she approached me. She gave me yet another gift. A small toy of a yellow carbuncle. It was beautifully made... Truly fond, i was. Curiously... Such a gift did ease my slumber that night.
Alas... Here i lie. I decided on a whim to venture to Gridania, being fond of the city from many years ago. The stars... The trees... Such seems to soothe and remind me as i sit here writing this entry. ...With Zarya's death... I will have my freedom back. Never again will i have to glance over my back to ensure she isn't doggedly persuing me. Never again will i worry about the safety of those close to me when they venture out... At least... Not in regards to her. Else, i shall always worry. But i worry because i care.
Tomorrow... Yes. I shall travel to Coerthas. We can make one of our many beloved walks home, to Bronze Lake... Ah... My heart sings with the thought. I will be able to show him my new abode.. And hear of the glorious battles in person... Just to see his face once again will bring a smile to my own. But for now, i must make some small attempt at sleeping. At least, whilst my thoughts are of him.
Goodnight, and i pray the hours will pass hastily until we meet once more.
~Bexy
Diary Entry, 10th Sun of the 1st Umbral Moon
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(The entire page is filled with smudges, and the page has crinkled having dried from being wet. Along the edge of the page, as well as the rest of the book, there is a reddy brown smear.)
Oh... Oh Gods.. I.. Do not know how to write this... How... Could i have been so foolish...?
But.. I.. Must write. Zarya. She... Is no more. Mathieux... He..
Mathieux killed her. Such was... Necessary. I remember little of that day. Perhaps it is a blessing... That my memory of the event eludes me. I.. I remember walking to Coerthas. I was so excited... So clouded and.. Unaware of what i was doing. I wanted to see him, and... Curse myself, i had grown impatient and reckless. I must learn to manage such emotions. Else... They will be the death of me. Such was almost the case.
Upon arrival to Coerthas, she approached me. Zarya. We broke into an argument almost immediately, and i did not hesitate to draw my bow upon her. Curse my misplaced sympathies! Curse them a thousand times! I... Gave her the opportunity to leave. To leave, find a home and a place she belonged as i had done. But.. She betrayed me. As i -foolishly- turned.. She leapt upon me, wounding me. The image of my own blood laced among the snows is one i shan't soon forget. I... I remember screaming for him. Mathieux... And i remember little else.
I awoke at Bronze Lake. Reinette... Vijara, Senna and Matt... They were all there. They... Saved me. Came for me. I.. Do not think i have expressed my gratitude to them, and i think words will likely never suffice. I shall think of a way. I would not be here were it not for them.
I expected to be more distraught at Zarya's death. But... I am puzzled. I only feel closure. Safety. Such is a feeling i am certainly not accustomed to, however i am certainly not adverse to. I feel no anger to Matt for his actions, for they have brought me peace, and for that i thank him. I thank all of them.
Sadly... My bow. I know not of its whereabouts. Which poses somewhat of an issue... I.. Cherished it. But such... Matters little, i suppose. I will mayhaps just have to purchase another... But i sincerely doubt that i will ever have another like that. Mayhaps... When i am well, i shall search for it. Crow would have me train others who are willing in the ways of the bow, some suns from now, and i will be happy to oblige. The very least i can do, even if my injuries still pain me.
Such ends another chapter in my life here, at Bronze Lake. Things can only get better. And... For the longest time, at least... For more than just Mathieux's presence... I can truly say...
I am happy.
~Bexy
Diary Entry, 20th Sun of the 1st Umbral Moon
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For once, in many, many moons... I can truly say things are looking up for me in the long run. Such a.. Vast assortment of things has happened to me in the past few suns...
For one... I am feeling far better in terms of my injuries. Thankfully... The deep wound that once scarred my side has reduced to no more than a dull ache. Many thanks to those that aided me... Truly, i would not be in such good health were it not for them. Akyhi... She was but one who aided me. People like her... Are the reason i wish to study the workings of Aether, and gladly, she is willing to educate me on such. I am to train her in the ways of the bow... She holds promise and understanding for such. On one of my many early morning outings... I purchased her a bow. I do hope she will like it. Gridanian by origin, and finely crafted... A shortbow, i believe which will suit her best.
And... Whilst on the subject of bows... Vijara... She... Found my own. It was... Unscathed, almost. The skill of the one who repaired it must have been unparalleled... In any case, i am more than happy to have it back. I feel far more... Secure with it at my grasp. Mayhaps from all the years of service it provided me, and ensured my safety... Such explains my attachment, and why i feel many of the others will never understand..
In any case, i ventured to Ul'dah with Matt to purchase a replacement bow should anything ever become awry with my own. A strange thing it was... Almost... Scaly. The venture was... Truly pleasant. Valentiones season, as it were... I purchased him a lovely box of chocolates... The smile on his face when he opened it warmed me from my toes. And he... Finally said those words to me. Those three words. I shall never forget them. He... Returned the gesture the following day when he presented me with chocolate of my own.
Emelia had spotted me in Ul'dah, and the three of us chose to venture back to Bronze Lake shortly afterwards. Such was not the first outing i had had with the girl, and it will certainly not be the last. She... Gifted me something truly curious. A rose, fashioned of mythril. I know not what it represents, however... I will cherish it all the same. We have become increasingly close, Emelia and i... And...
Gods... Such almost slipped my mind.
There is a woman who has made her presence known... A pleasant woman, mind. A lady by the name of Spades. I thought nothing especially different of her, merely just another pleasant traveler stopping by to satiate her thirst. Such was the case... Until... One night, we spoke. Extensively. We got onto the topic of my dearest sister Shadow, and... Spades.. She... Is the one Shadow has referred to so many times.... She..
Spades. She is Shadow's mother. Such is truly easy to see where Shadow gets her immeasurable kindness from. Truly, a mother to be proud of...
Which... Bitterly reminds me... I ventured to the Shroud with Senna once more. The South Shroud. Camp Tranquil. I knew that i had to tell my mother of what befell her.... Favorite daughter. However.. Such was not to be the case. Upon arrival, i found my mother's tent.. Missing. Barely a trace of where it stood... And... A guard. He gave me naught more than a solemn nod, and a note. A note which informed me of my mothers death. She had... Been stabbed to death. An ongoing query, it told me... Mayhaps for them. Not for I. I know who slew her. Thinking back to things... I.. Suppose such is karmic. I am the last of my blood now. And... Such does not even sadden me, for reasons i cannot comprehend.
Whilst on the subject of... Karmic death occurring... Vijara almost caused such an event. Lohi. He overstepped the line... And he paid dearly for it. A hole in his stomach... I expected her to be punished more severely for her actions. But... Evidently not. Such is an outcome i am glad of. He was dismissed from the Kindred earlier this eve... And i believe this is good for more than just one reason. Mayhaps he will finally learn that tribal life is not the be all and end all of everything in Eorzea. And... He is far less likely to meet his demise at the hands of one of my Kin. Whilst i do not wish him dead, if he irks Vijara to act out to do so once more... I surely won't defend him.
Truly... My mind is rife with mixed emotions. Hence my reluctance to write... I shall have to be more dedicated to making these entries, lest i become overwhelmed and even less wanting to keep to date with the events of my life.
Until anon.
~Bexy
Diary Entry, 27th Sun of the 1st Umbral Moon
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I awake once more.... I... Cannot keep hold on my emotions, nor on my thoughts. My head... Still feels terribly fuzzy. Mayhaps for the whisky... Not quite so bad as last time, mind. I... I did not rest at Bronze Lake. Barely captured some small hours at... A most beautiful waterfall. Such brings back many memories, ones from my first visit here... My first night on the beautiful isle of Vylbrand. The sound of the water soothes me, as it did then. It... Made my tears feel far less significant.
I left to clear my mind. To.. Be truly on my own, again, for once. Just me and this book.. Me and my... Memories.
I must remind myself. Memories are only but thoughts. They cannot hurt me.
Many... Most delightful things have happened, mind... Not everything in my life is terrible... Come to think of such... Truly little is. I am merely coping, and those wonderful rays of sunshine i call my kin will break through this cloud that has smothered my mind. I am certain of it.
I have spent much of my time visiting bars with the others. More often than not, accompanied by Senna. Such is good to know that i am in her rather capable hands should i fall inebriated. Haha. There was.. Quite the gathering at the Coffer and Coffin, some suns ago. Such was delightful, if not somewhat vaguely terrifying due to the sheer scale of people. Enjoyable, mind.
And it seems... Truth or Dare has become somewhat of a favorite amongst the Kindred. I... Find some form of enjoyment, i suppose. Such is far more so when Mathieux is present. Although... I have never imposed such a thing on him. Next time... Mayhaps i should. Oh, the possibilities... I should write down these thoughts...
Speaking of Matt... We met, by sheer and delightful coincidence in the Shroud... He is always there when i need him. Always. Even though he may yet not know it. We had yet another of our most pleasant walks, and happened upon Emelia at the Mirror Planks. We had a lovely chat amongst each other... I do so enjoy their company, and sitting by those waters was.. Truly lovely. I felt so safe... As though naught terrible could happen. A shame i had to leave, truly... But alas... Paperwork is paperwork, and now such is completed.... I can forget all ties to my family name. Mayhaps i should seek to change it... Or no. Such is part of who i am...? I know not. I will mayhaps ponder on such.
In any such case... The festival commences soon. I am most looking forward to it, but i would be lying if i did not say i was terribly nervous.
Everything will be okay. I know it. My kith and kin will ensure so.
Yet... Still, i lay here and read my words. Memories are only but thoughts. They.. Cannot hurt me. No... They cannot. However, they can give me the needs and must to strive on. And i will.
On the morrow, i will explore!
~Bexy Amalaryssia
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Diary Entry, 4th Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon
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Aaah... Peace. At last. Such a hectic few suns, but i assure you, all for the best. The festival was a howling success, both the auction and the fashion show being enjoyable by all. Thankfully my nerves subsided after a short walk, and along with Reinette, i was able to use my discerning eye regarding fashion, and pick whom we deemed the best dressed.
Mm... I remember the event fondly. Seeing my kith and kin so happy, as well as many new faces, a smile etched on every one. It was lovely. Of course... I did not participate in the auction myself. I am not in need of a date nor work... And i am -more- than happy with my current life as it stands. Many did bid, mind... Some more than others. Others such as... Vyncent. I have much to say about the man. I'll get to it.
The only... Truly bad thing i feel the need to write, is this gods-awful nightmare that keeps happening... It has plagued my mind for a little under a moon... And i did at first think it would leave after some time. Evidently not. It begins with me sat atop a roof, here at Bronze Lake... And... He doesn't come back. Mathieux... I... Don't especially know how to deal with it. Only that it has roused some... Questionable thoughts that i cannot seem to push from my mind completely. I had discussed them with Vijara.... And... Vyncent.
Yes. Vyncent. The man i had previously loathed... After some small confrontation at the festival, i left and headed back to Bronze Lake. The following morn... Not long after i had finished my shift on watch, he was there. I know not why... But as i am not -completely- uncivil, i spoke with him. He... Apologized for his cruel words the previous eve. And i accepted it. He is a powerful man, and thus, one i would much prefer not to irk. We ventured on a short walk, and we spoke extensively... I... Opened up to him, and even to this sun, i cannot fathom why. His words offered comfort... Mayhaps, my first opinion of him was wrong. We have more in common than thought. I spoke with him about Matt... And how i cannot... I..
...No. No tears in this entry. Not this time.
He told me he had never seen someone who adored someone so deeply, and whom was so loyal to her other as i was to Mathieux. This... Shocked me, i suppose. To an extent. I thought this was how all lovers treated one another? Am i wrong...? Evidently so. In any case, i am not about to cease my affections. Not even in the slightest. But such a discussion made me think... Mayhaps my endless musings of Matt are spurred on by my... Unfortunate childhood...? I do think so. He is... The first to show affections for me, in any such way. He is the first to tell me that.. He loves me. And i am beyond happy for that. Truly, i am.
I intend to keep this smile on my face for as long as i am able. I shall strive to see it so.
Until anon.
~Bexy
Diary Entry, 18th Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon
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Goodness... It has been a while since i wrote. So much for keeping up to date with things, no...? Haha.
In any such case, i arrived back at my abode in Bronze Lake with Mathieux a short while ago. He is already sleeping soundly, bless him. And so peacefully, too. I do think i will join him after i finish this entry. He found me on his way back to my home, as i was basking in the sun in the Costa. He joined me, and we spoke, and... It was lovely, truly. A shame he has to venture back to Coerthas terribly soon, however... He has been present for far more than a Moon. He is.... He is my rock. What keeps me afloat in my darkest suns. Alas... And happily so, i have not had such a sun in his presence. And... When he leaves for his homeland... To do his duties? I promise myself i will remain strong. He will return. I am certain.
I... Also discussed the possibility of visiting him in Coerthas. He says it is a likely possibility we will be able to do such in the North Shroud. This... Offers much comfort to me. Even if i just see him for a moment, i will know he is well. Ack... What am i saying?! Do i truly have such little faith? He is a strong, capable Knight. Of -course- he's going to be well. And i will see him as soon as he returns to me. Not to mention, the thought of receiving letters from him keeps a smile on my face. He has the most beautiful handwriting... Far more elegant than my own. Gods... I must cease this rambling. I will not be so fraught with worry and anxiety whenever he is absent! Have more than a little faith, you silly Seeker...
Leading to other matters... I have been spending much time with my Kin. Even if it has been a... Mixed bag, of sorts...? Reinette was.. Robbed. Thankfully she is unharmed, although her room was quite the state when we saw. Curiously, only a painting had been stolen. A rare one. I have ensured to her i will strive as i can to aid her in reclaiming her treasured possession. And i fully intend to see that it is returned to her soon.
Senna and i have also spent many a night together. She knows i do not sleep well alone, when Mathieux is away training. She is far closer to me than any of my blood ever has been... We spend many hours together, be it in Bronze Lake or Ul'dah. She is truly a good friend... Nay... A sibling to me, even thought the roots we hail from are truly quite different. I do wish she would at the very least speak to Vynce... A man i have honestly, changed my opinion on. For the most part. He threatened Crow the other sun... Crow may have made a lewd remark questioning my loyalty to Matt, and of course, whilst i would -never- do such a thing with Vynce... It irked me. More that he would question my loyalties. To my knowledge... No one has any reason to question to whom i am faithful. I always thought it to be rather blindingly obvious. In any case... I -may- have lost my temper with Crow... Although such has been resolved, for the most part. I am yet to speak to Vynce on the matter... Although such might be best as i am aware of the hardships he is currently enduring.
Hm, in any case.. I have plans for a pilgrimage of sorts... A long walk.... To every mark of the Twelve. I have things i wish to ask of some of them, should they be willing to listen. Even if such is not fruitful.... It will be nice to venture out with my kith and kin, exploring Eorzea as i oft used to. Except this time... I will not be alone. And i am more than glad of such.
...Onto something less.... Related. I acquired some old possessions of my mothers upon her death... I do not wish to write too much on the subject, as my eyes grow weary... But they entail to where i hail from. It will take me some time to piece some things together... But when i have unraveled the nonsensical scribblings of that woman, i will be sure to write them.
Until next time.
~Bexy
Diary Entry, 30th Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon
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(The page is soaked through, the ink illegibly smudged along with coppery red stains)
...The rain... Soothes me. Naught much does. It is cold. I... I... Do not... Understand...
Am i still lost...? Did... Did i take the wrong path...?
Azeyma. Please. Aid me... Guide me...
...Someone... Please... Aid me..
I know not what to write. I know not where to go. I only wanted to help Shadow. My sister. They... They attacked her. Kidnapped her. I knew nothing of it until we ventured here. To the Burning Wall. She scarcely could speak it to me.... I... Only wanted to find out more. I know why. I know why they took her. My dear Shadow. My dear sister. I did not mean for a conflict. Not right now. I would not have gone alone. I am... I am... Not so foolish as that....
I only wished to find out more. I did not think... I did not think them to still be there. They are all so angry at me... The Kindred... My... My family...
Gods... I know not what to do. I.... Do not wish to return to Bronze Lake. But i must. For Shadow. I will inform her with the pearl we share. The pearl i met....
Umi. That girl. She saved her. She saved Shadow. Healed her... I can never show her enough thanks.
...They tortured her.... My dear Shadow...
And i... I killed them.
Five. Five lives that i took.... That makes fourteen.
Five lives. Five lives with mothers... Fathers... Memories. Hells, mayhaps even children. I know not. I never will. Such is likely for the best. Who was i to take those lives? I... I did not want to. Their blood still stains me. Like the others. Just... More numbers.
They tortured her... I.... I.. Gods... I know not what to do. I... Will remain here. Until i can come to my senses. Until i can... Think, again.
Mathieux... I do wish you were here to soothe me. I truly do. But alas, i must learn to cope without you, my love. And i will. I... Will learn that these two feet i have ventured so far on, i can also stand on unaided. But i thank you for giving me the strength to realise. Even if it just mere thoughts that keep me aloft.
I will remain here. Until i can gather my thoughts, and make some semblance of sense with it.
~Bexy
Diary Entry, 10th Sun of the 2nd Umbral Moon
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I am unable to think straight. Many things plague me... Truly. I only hope writing in this journal gives me a moment of respite, however brief.
Some Suns ago. I killed people. Five of them. And i remember each face as i pulled each arrow from each motionless corpse. I repress the memories as i always have done. But... It never sits well with me, however weighs lighter on my mind than it used to. Not a night since then i haven't wept myself to sleep. For many a reason.
She was right. Vijara.
Vijara, I, and Shadow. We spoke a time ago at the ruins in Bronze Lake. I remember little of the conversation, only... Those words.
"You enjoyed it, didn't you? Killing?"
Of course i denied it. Vehemently. But i know not anymore. I... Felt a sick twinge of joy as they dropped. They almost killed Shadow. The girl who... Little did she know it, was my rock throughout those lonely years. Those years when no other cared, she did. I have never thirsted for blood so deeply afore them. And i enjoyed taking their lives. How... Could i?
I didn't even give two of them a the joys of a quick death. It is unlikely, that with a single arrow, i could have procured the information that i did. Mei. Burgundy Falls. You would be amazed at the pain you can cause with a broken arrowhead. Even when they begged me not to slaughter them in exchange for this delightful information, i still did, lying through the smirk as they fled and i drew my bow.
Gods... What am i becoming? What am i changing into?
I know not.
The small pleasantries... Mikh'a had organised a small gathering, once a week. I attended in formal wear, obviously, and yet... Even with musings about fashion and the like, my mind will not allow me to venture far from the subject. Mathieux. You have been gone for nigh on near a moon, dear. And i am coping as best i can. I no longer voice my worries so openly, to save my kin from rolling their eyes in amusement. Not aside to those i hold dearest. I hope you received my letter. I know you did. The delayed reply does worry me some, but i know, in my heart... You're okay. You're a capable, wonderful man, who is more than equipped to deal with his duties. I am naught but a worrisome watchwoman who frets about the littlest thing.
I'll be okay.
Even as my tears stain this page, and i cry myself to sleep over many a thing.
I'll be okay.
~Bexy.
Diary Entry, 17th Sun of the 2nd Umbral Moon
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He came back. He returned to me.
I would have written sooner, however i had imbibed some peculiar tea which had rather knocked me for a loop. I will be wary next time... By the twelve, i can assure you. I am still not entirely certain if the earth beneath my feet still moves so unnaturally.
Many, many new faces with the Kindred. It is refreshing to see them, truly. I have yet to get to know so many of them so well, however i believe such will come with due time.
Sastra had purchased us a house, in the Goblet. It is beautiful... Cosy... Has all i could need in it. I am fond, truly. I have even found additional services as a barmaid, which is far different from what my work usually entails. Enjoyable nonetheless. It seems i have a knack for such a thing, having imbibed many a beverage during my travels of Eorzea, i know more than a few interesting cocktails.
In any case, with such said... It seems i have resumed my duties as Watchwoman. An Elezen, it was said. He seeks Khuja. And i am to watch for one. I asked to perform the duties of which i am so used to for many a reason. I miss them. I wish to protect Khuja. I wish to protect my Kin. Give back... What they have given to me. I wish those were the only reasons.
I spoke with Vijara again. About... Those urges that have seemingly manifested. She was supportive of me, as always. Sisters as her oft are. Mayhaps she will be able to harness that desire that lingers within me to kill, afore aught terrible happens. She recommended we hunt together, in the Shroud. Although this time our quarry will be far... Smaller.
And it will scream, should we let it.
I have even taken up a contract from an old provider, as it were. Worry not. Naught regarding killing. But it does aid to cater to those urges. Mayhaps i will again. Truly little stops me. But... Afore i make any rash decisions, i will speak to Matt.
My dear, beloved Mathieux.
I grow ever more fond of the man, and i see no reason i should halt my affections. Almost four moons since we met.
It was a quiet day, in my new home. Shadow... Quin.. Sisha.. We were eating. I remember not what it was, only that it was potato based and godly delicious. And then... He arrived. It still feels like a dream. He was wearing the most delightful garments, as he had attended a feast prior to arriving. And... Oh Twelve.
His hair. I had scarcely seen him with unbound hair before. It is... A marvel. I am certain my mind ceases to function in his presence. Those warming green eyes, and that flowing curtain of black hair. And his smile. I shall never forget it, and even recalling such memories warms my heart.
We slept under the stars that night. In Thanalan. It was beautiful, and a fond memory i shall cherish.
Such thoughts bring my mind peace. And whilst i am able to remain in these thoughts, i shall rest.
~Bexy
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